Tuesday, May 10, 2011

On Having A Vagina

Having been so long since I made my account on OkCupid, I assumed that much of my information was dated.  I've changed over the years, and going through every single question and quiz, reading and changing answers, it sounded like a bore.  So I decided to delete my old account and start fresh.  Not only to have an accurate profile (I'm not even sure this matters anymore), but to compare myself now to who I was in 2007.  I kept most of the profile information the same, save for adding a few new interests and pictures.  I'm slowly re-answering questions and re-taking quizzes when I have absolutely nothing better to do.

Surprisingly, there was a huge difference in my matches from my old profile.  Change can be good, right?  I hope so.  But I barely had time to ponder that before the messages started pouring in.  All I had filled out was my age, location, and sex (female).  In the short period of time it took me to transfer images and profile information from my old account to the new one....well, it was a good hour and a half, I was multi-tasking, a surprising number of people either messaged me or added me as a favorite.  Based only on the information available, that I am 26 years old and female.  I guess some people have very few requirements for who they want to date.  Or fuck, as some of the messages implied.

The more I flushed my profile out though, the fewer random pleas for sex I received, and I started getting actual messages.  Some from people I'd never spoken to, some from people I already knew (my new account is obviously the same person as my old one, I made sure I wouldn't be mistaken for someone else).  And I decided to be brutally honest this time.  Especially with the match questions.  I haven't finished answering enough yet to make an entirely informed comparison, but the people that messaged me today seemed far less annoying than those I encountered with my match profile from 2007.  I was prepared to spew cynicism all over this blog, but I can't say I'm particularly disappointed.

I had a nice conversation about literature, a nice conversation about bicycles, and a nice conversation about extraterrestrials and their connection to spirituality.  Sprinkled among a few "John on a Budget" and "Bring a Gun" messages of course, but I just politely told those people I wasn't interested.  No beating around the bush, no being nice.  This is my new philosophy: fuck you.  And it's working great for me!  I wasn't the least bit pissed off after checking my messages today.

My old method was entertaining, sure:

But in the end it felt like a lot of wasted time and wit.  And honestly, the above image is by far one of the least offensive examples I can give of what's been said to me on OkCupid.  I'm in too good of a mood today to post threats and hostility.

Okay, that's a lie.  I have a bit of a beef with a certain someone at the moment.  I did catch him briefly on OkCupid today (the one place he's guaranteed to check nearly every hour).  But the potential for me to get over my blood curdling anger is now slightly higher than never.  So I'll keep my mouth shut about that for now.  No I won't, I'm terrible at that.
Believe it or not, that's a civil conversation.  I'm alright with this.  

The one thing that actually did upset me was that OkCupid decided one of my pictures was "unsuitable" and removed it.  The same picture I'd had on my old account for at least a year.  I suppose I'll just submit it again later and hope for more liberal report moderation.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


I'm one of those people that's been a member of OkCupid for years.  Sometimes I don't log in for months and sometimes I check my messages every day, but either way I don't expect much.  I can't even say that I'm looking for a partner anymore.  I can't even say that I'm looking for a date.  Sure, I've met a few people through the site.  Most of them are blocked from my phone and email, but a couple have turned out okay.  The odds are still overwhelmingly against a happy ending.

From my perspective, internet dating seems akin to walking down a dark alley with a popgun in your pocket trying to find someone drunk enough to rape.  Despite being a person who dislikes generalizations, categorizing people with little or no concrete evidence to back up my assumptions, I put almost everyone I talk to on OkCupid into one of three unpleasant categories.  The people I've attempted to date (and sometimes just hang out and drink a beer with) from the site have all proven themselves worthy of their particular category, so I have no reason to feel that I'm being too harsh.  I'm never harsh.  Only realistic.  I am the only realistic human being left on OkCupid.com.

The "John on a Budget"

These are the people who message me looking for sex, looking for sex NOW, and get more than a little irate when I decide not to log back in for two weeks.  Or more commonly when I politely tell them that I'm not here for anonymous booty calls- that's what hookers are for (no judgement against hookers implied).  This kind of person, usually a man, uses one of three methods of operation, dependent on his I.Q. and level of inbreeding.

The stupid variety will simply message me asking if I'd like to come over and sit on his dick later tonight.  Even though my profile clearly promises that no, I don't.  You see, I know he's stupid because he either can't read or doesn't understand the meaning of the word "no."  In either case, I'm not interested.  He'll often type in an almost incomprehensible manner, as if he's got one hand tightly gripping his shaft or has a severe learning disability because his momma was his sister.  There's usually no reasoning with these types of people.  They'll just keep asking for my phonoen num ber or titttypiccs or whetre too pic me u p until I stop responding.  So I just don't respond in the first place.

Smarter men will feign some interest while assuming they're being vague with their sexually charged questions.  Remember, I said smartER, not smart.  They'll ask me a question and forget what I said before furiously hitting F5 and responding with a whole three sentences of ego-boosting bullshit.  And if I skirt the issue of sex long enough, sometimes they snap, typing expletives and insults as fast as they can to punish me for wasting their valuable time.  These sorts of people can be fun to play with, given my mood.

I usually lump "bi" girls into this category too, though I've met some exceptions.  These women (if I may call you that, Guy With Pictures of Wife) usually want a three-way.  Or they want their boyfriend to get some strange because they're sure he's "getting bored."  Or they really are female and assure you that their husband is fine with them going out on dates with women.  This is another stereotype I don't bother responding to.  I don't get involved in marital drama.  I'm divorced for a reason, for fuck's sake.

The "Bring a Towel"

These are the people I end up meeting when I feel low enough to drag myself out to meet some internet weirdo.  I'll get to the towel.  The towel is very important here.

Mr. or Ms. Bring a Towel is usually charming in that socially awkward kind of way.  They might be really interested in B horror flicks, or play Dungeons and Dragons, or know "back end" as a computer term rather than a search term for pornography (okay, probably both).  He or she reads webcomics and used to be in a metal band and has dropped out of college four times because "it's all so superficial, you know?"  Sometimes I think I might be able to tolerate this person.  Hey, I'm kind of a nerd too. And I'm a sucker for proper grammar.  And I'm surprisingly amenable to that "I don't have a razor and I shop at Goodwill" look.  And we have a 94% match percentage.

But I'm out of towels.  These are the dates that end with one or both of us crying about perceived inadequacies, one or both of us too drunk to stand up straight (and vomiting all over the cab), or one or both of us ready to slit our wrists.  I can't stand the high probability of that many bodily fluids, sex excluded.  And we all know how likely sex is with the high levels of depression and intoxication and self-loathing.  Never mind, it is likely.  But good sex isn't.

And the longer communication goes on with Mr. or Ms. Bring a Towel, the more towels I'll need.  The number of towels needed increases infinitely and exponentially, especially if sex ever becomes part of the equation.  Obviously, I don't recommend going past a conversation about a cool comic you read with this kind of person, but if you do, bring a towel.  And buy a discount card for Bed Bath and Beyond because you'll be needing it.

The "Bring a Gun"

This one should be self-explanatory.  "Bring a Gun" messages you with a lengthy tearjerker of a tale about how their last significant other framed them for killing the neighbor.  Or raping the pool boy.  Or the bitch stashed her kilo of heroin in the glove compartment of his car.  Or whatever it is that happened.  I rarely bother to read it all.  

And they've been locked up for the past nine years, and having just gotten off on good behavior and finding Jesus they're now looking for a Special Someone to spend the rest of their life with.  And that person is you!  They are sure!  I do often respond to these people as the potential entertainment value is high, but would I ever meet them in person?  Would I even give them my first name?  Oh, hell no.

Sometimes people are a combination of these stereotypes, of course, but in the interest of recording my failures a system of classification is helpful.  I'm getting to the point where I hope I don't find anyone worth responding to when I log into OkCupid, but despite that, I persist.  I can't figure out if I'm optimistic or desperate or bored, but maybe it doesn't matter.  This is the internet, right?  Nothing bad can happen to me here.